Staying calmly connected to your critics can actually help you grow as a leader and move your church or organization forward.
Criticism hurts, especially the non-constructive kind. We tend to stay away from such critics.
But is that the wisest choice? Should we draw close to them instead of pulling away from them?
A Biblical Call to Engagement, Not Avoidance
The Bible offers wisdom that may seem counterintuitive but powerful:
“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
— Romans 12:18 (NIV)
“Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
— Romans 12:21 (NIV)
Jesus Himself taught us to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44). He didn’t say we had to agree with them, but He called us to stay relationally engaged, offering grace rather than distance.
The Power of a Non-Anxious Presence
Murray Bowen, the father of family systems, coined the phrase “non-anxious presence.” He used this term to describe a personal quality that, when a leader exhibits it, can lower the emotional reactivity and anxiety within a group or family system.
He and others suggest that leaders should not cut off from critics but should actually stay connected to them in a calm and wise way.
What Does a Non-Anxious Leader Look Like?
A non-anxious leader:
- Can truly listen to another, even if they bring bad news or criticism.
- Can hold emotions in check when in the hot seat.
- Seldom gets defensive.
- Can acknowledge the emotions of their critic.
- Will calmly and courageously respond instead of reacting.
One of the clearest examples of this kind of leadership is David’s relationship with King Saul.
Saul was obsessed with hunting David down, even though David had done nothing wrong. But instead of lashing out or severing all ties, David maintained honor, humility, and composure.
“I will not lift my hand against my master, because he is the Lord’s anointed.”
— 1 Samuel 24:10 (NIV)
David had at least two opportunities to kill Saul but chose not to. Instead, he demonstrated restraint, spoke truth with grace, and remained a stabilizing presence—even while under threat. His example shows us how to stay connected to even the most unreasonable critics with wisdom and dignity.
Ernest Shackleton, one of the greatest explorers ever, modeled this non-anxious presence with his Antarctica expedition crew. They were marooned for over a year in 1915–1916 after their ship was crushed by the ice. His calm presence and engagement with difficult crewmembers allowed him to lead them all to safety. Not one man perished.
Here’s what he did:
– Frank Hurley, the photographer, would feel slighted and become difficult. Instead of isolating him, Shackleton gave him a place in his tent and often conferred with him.
– Reginald Jamer, an introverted physicist, might have been ridiculed by others. Shackleton made him a bunkmate, protecting his dignity.
– McNeish, the carpenter, was a potential troublemaker. Shackleton brought him along on the high-risk lifeboat mission to keep the remaining crew unified.
– He even selected two other men specifically because they might stir up trouble in his absence.
Shackleton knew what many biblical leaders knew too: staying calmly connected to challenging people often prevents greater division and creates unity in crisis.
So, how can we present a non-anxious presence with our critics or with those who rub us the wrong way?
I suggest these five ideas:
- Truly try to understand the critic’s perspective. Ask questions. Really listen.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
– James 1:19 (NIV) - When someone criticizes, thank them for sharing it.
Gratitude disarms hostility and models maturity. - Keep a good sense of humor. Don’t allow the criticism to suck the life from you.
Laughter lightens burdens and shows resilience. - Spend some social time with the critic so they can get to know you. Share your story.
Often criticism fades when connection is built. - Do something thoughtful for your critic—something unexpected.
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.”
— Romans 12:20 (NIV)
As counterintuitive as this may seem, staying calmly connected to your critics is not weakness—it’s leadership. It helps you grow in character and brings maturity to your church, team, or organization.
So instead of running from the critic, sit at the table with them—like Jesus did with sinners, like David did with Saul, like Shackleton did with his crew. You might just discover a surprising path forward.